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hoperestored

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sunset [Nov. 16th, 2005|08:20 am]
hoperestored
[mood |complacentrelaxed and content]

i don't know why
but latly i have been evaluating the progress i have made this semester.
not sure how i started thinking like that but i know i was just relaxing in a park meadow and just looking out over the simplicity of the place, when all of a sudden things just started popping into my mind.
the way the classes are unnaturally easy this semester.
the fact that the group is growing and is solid.
the friendships i have lost...or never really had to begin with.
the truth that i have reclaimed control of my schedule and i spend my time how i want to spend it.
the fun i have had and the lessons i have learned.
the struggles that i have overcome and the closure i have been having with poeple of my past.
it all came flooding out in an emotional surge and i couldn't help but start to cry a little. tears of joy... tears of sadness... tears of completion. through it all i have finally gotten the biggest revelation to date in my life.
"people will always do what they want to do. even if we claim we will do something, if it is truly not in our heart to do it, we will shed the shallow guise and become who we really are and let our true feelings show on the matter."
i am glad that when i finally settled on where i am in life i can see that i am doing what i want to do and i am doing it because i want too.
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and the beat goes on... [Oct. 23rd, 2005|12:03 am]
hoperestored
[mood |sleepyi's 12:20 am /// i am tired]

welp
i am back from my trip and oh boy do i wish i was still ther....
see most people get to come home, unpack, relax, eat something....not me i got math and lots of it on top of that i am not even home and i REALLY am upset that i once again had to miss my cartoons because of this stupid and un-relenting class.
sigh
i really am going to need a vaction from this by the time this is all overbut in any case i will stop my vent by simply saying a wise old saying from a very profound book.
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can
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camping [Oct. 21st, 2005|08:57 am]
hoperestored
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |listen to your heart (club mix) D.H.T.]

welp this year is going great.
i am just finishing up my packing to go to the camp site where my group is going this week-end. my classes have taken a hit because my focus hasn't been where it should, but hey it's college... it happens. i really am looking forward to this week-end, cause i am well over due for a little down time before i really gear back up and start my assignments again.
in any case
the group is good
my classes are good
my work is good
my new girl is good
life is good
God is good
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round 3 ( surviving the chaos of the past) [Oct. 6th, 2005|07:47 pm]
hoperestored
[mood |rushedindescribable...for now]
[music |ryu's journey - street fighter]

have you ever had a rival..or an arch rival.
you know, the person that is the embodiment of everything you aren't, and yet also everything you could be. who stands in your way and tries to make your life a living hell as much as possible. the kind of character that makes you look at yourself for who you truly are faults and all. well if you have then you will understand this entry if you haven't then you really haven't lived yet and this entry is just going to sound like a vent more then an revelation.

see on wensday of this week i had the unfortunate pleasure of crossing paths with a man that i had long since forgotten and hoped would never have to deal with again. a character from my past who did every thing in his power to minipulate and control any one around him by any means possible. at one point four years ago, he was able to blind side and captivate me and several of my other friends when we were in that "who am i?" phase of our lives. every time we got around him it turned into a battle. a battle of wits...of will...of truth...of race...of existance. it was all we could do just to keep our self esteem and self-respect. my soul still shudders as the thoughts of the mental torment runs through my mind again.
in any case

during our first encounter i ended up becoming hollow and nothing more than a walking shell of a person. it took two years for me to recover and as if like clock work the moment i had arrived mental stability again he crosses my path as if to test the depths of my inner-stregth. that time around i mantain myself but it was a fierce battle, and the victory came at a high price. friendships were shattered. hopes and dreams were stripped away, aspects for the future were all but wiped out.

starting to sound like a bad anime right...well unfortunately for me back in the day this was nothing more but par for the course.

there was so much drama and anguish entrapping me and my friends that it seem like it was never going to stop. until it did. it took every thing inside of me and more but i finally over came this man. this human who wanted nothing more but to see me, and all those i held dear, crash and burn at his hands.

well like i said that was all but four years ago. nearly a-whole-nother lifetime ago really.
moving on to yesterday where the unthinkable happen.
i was relaxing with my new friends in our cafe talking over some ice-cream when all at once he appear. as if once again to test and gauge me to see if i was a novice or if i truly gain my real identity and self awarness. he talked to my friends as if oblivous to my presence which is a classic trade mark of his. "ignore the main target until you are in position to take it out in one blow" (a trade mark phrase for a trade mark statagist.)
he finally approached me and as he spoke i felt something inside me snap. i had realized what it was that made me so intimadated by him. i was denying myself the right to have both sides of my personality show, because i was afriad i would become like him if i did. he wanted me to embrace a side of myself that i was too afraid to tame and accept. he wanted me to be like him... to be minipulative and blinded by abition to the point of denile. he wanted me to be consumed with the same bitterness that had gripped his heart. and by running from the darker side of me i was unknowingly giving in to yet another of his mind traps

and just like that in the breif moments that i saw him again, i realized key aspects of my life as if for the first time.
i have the right to be angry and not speak to some one if i choose not to. i can be mean and emotionless when i do speak to someone and that's ok. i can hurt feelings and break spirits. i have the right to fight back and kick ass. but i do not have to do it out of hatred, i can do it out of love and compassion for myself and all those who call me friend or brother.
in that moment of seeing him and remembering the things i had overcome both in myself and through life events... i had found clearity.
he walked away after a few quick comments about my new friends and he express an interest in being apart of the group. little does he know that this group plays by a whole new set of rules. a very extreme set.
he knows i am going to fight him
we both want it to happen
but what he fails to realize is how much i have become intuned with my trueself. see for me the stakes to this fight that we are about to have will be winner takes all, because this time i will not hesitate and i will hold nothing back.
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am i wrong [Sep. 27th, 2005|06:56 pm]
hoperestored
[mood |discontentdiscontented]
[music |.........my knuckles pounding a punching bag............]

ok here is the run down of how phase 3 went

ok we had made plans to set up a booth outside of building five (which is our cafe on the campus)
in any case
all officers were there includiung 2 new members. i was happy ,but focused. i brought all the stuff and laid it all out so we could get ready and as i was getting it all together i realized that there were 2 major issues with the situation
1) the power outlets do not work
2)the radio/cd player i had wasn't working either
both problems could easily be rectified(corrected) with little to no problem so my friend blake and i were finishing bringing the stuff together and all of a sudden it hit me that all the officers were there but only 2 were doing any work...MATTER OF FACT even the person over me was just idly standing around. so as president i did the only thing i could do (legally)...i delegated.
i made/gave each officer an assignment to do while i corrected the glitches. all assignments were little to nothing and could have easily been done by the time i returned.(which meant that everything would be ready on time. so i leave with every one having something to do....and when i return the only people who were doing something were blake and one of the new members. the officers were still doing nothing but talking.
i was floored. i had a second to pray and decide my next course of action. and after a second was up i decided not to say a word to them with the presence of others there and just did their work and finished setting up.
now as a whole the test run went with out a hitch we even had 5 people sign up to be apart of the group which was pleasing.
but the fact that the people who supposedly wanted to see this thing through ,when given the opurtunity to do somthing about it, did nothing. that bothers me to know end.
especially knowing that if it were for another project they would practically break their necks to do it.
i understand if you can't do something or you won't do something because you just don't want to, provided you are up front about not being able to do it, but when you say you will pick up the slack and then just let the slack fall when it's in your hands...it drives me nuts.
when my leader finally realize i was unpleased he ask how i was i told him i was "breathing and learning he ask for clearification of what that meant and i replied honestly.
"everything is going just as i thought it would...after this trial run i know exactly the steps i need to take to make sure things are done right." and left it at that.
because as shaky as phase 3 was it cleared my mind of some issues and now i can move on to phase 4
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TAKIN A BREAK [Sep. 21st, 2005|01:10 am]
hoperestored
[mood |awakeawake ...unfortunatly]
[music |my friend snoring]

Yea so like it's 1 a.m. in the mornin.
my college room mates are all sound asleep
and here i am doing FREAKIN algebra....IN 1:00 in the ^%$!@#$# mornin
now it's a plus that i at least understad it enough to do it ...but i can not beleve i got so deep into it that i have been working on it for 7 hours strait.
i feel weird
but all and all i am glad i can do it
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2 to go [Sep. 19th, 2005|09:42 am]
hoperestored
[mood |determineddetermined]
[music |listen to your heart///D H T]

phase 1: establish publicity with the college paper and allow the students to aware of our location.---complete

phase1.5: pray---complete

phase 2: blaket all three campuses with flyers so that ere body can see and learn about us.

phase2.5: more prayer

phase 3: set booths with donuts and juice(maybe) to encourage people to come and also so that they can get to know us a little better

3.5:pray harder....maybe a lil fasting too

phase 4: establish a stronger foundation for people to grow

phase 5:celebrate

plans are a good thing
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risk [Sep. 12th, 2005|05:37 pm]
hoperestored
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk rejection.

To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.

To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing... has nothing... is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love.

Chained by his certitude he is a slave. he has forfeited his freedom.
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(no subject) [Aug. 31st, 2005|10:31 pm]
hoperestored
You scored as Wolverine. Wolverine is a loner, and a skilled fighter. He's got the hots for Jean Grey but a better fit for him would be Storm. He doesn't like to follow orders which pisses Cyclops off. He has terrible memories from the experimentation done on him at Weapon X. Even though he doesn't show it, he loves the X-Men. Powers: Fast healing and adamantium skeleton and claws.

</td>

Wolverine

95%

Colossus

80%

Rogue

70%

Nightcrawler

70%

Jean Grey

60%

Storm

60%

Cyclops

50%

Beast

50%

Gambit

40%

Iceman

35%

Emma Frost

25%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2005|01:51 pm]
hoperestored
table border='0' cellpadding='5' cellspacing='0' width='600'><tr><td></td><td> You scored as Storm. Storm is the seconday team leader of the X-Men. She has a peaceful personality but must be careful since her emotions control her powers. She loves gardening and is afaid of tight spaces. Powers: Control of the Weather

</td></tr>

Storm

100%

Colossus

100%

Beast

90%

Jean Grey

85%

Gambit

70%

Cyclops

60%

Emma Frost

60%

Iceman

60%

Wolverine

60%

Rogue

45%

Nightcrawler

40%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com</table>
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