|round 3 ( surviving the chaos of the past)
||[Oct. 6th, 2005|07:47 pm]
|||||ryu's journey - street fighter||]|
have you ever had a rival..or an arch rival.
you know, the person that is the embodiment of everything you aren't, and yet also everything you could be. who stands in your way and tries to make your life a living hell as much as possible. the kind of character that makes you look at yourself for who you truly are faults and all. well if you have then you will understand this entry if you haven't then you really haven't lived yet and this entry is just going to sound like a vent more then an revelation.
see on wensday of this week i had the unfortunate pleasure of crossing paths with a man that i had long since forgotten and hoped would never have to deal with again. a character from my past who did every thing in his power to minipulate and control any one around him by any means possible. at one point four years ago, he was able to blind side and captivate me and several of my other friends when we were in that "who am i?" phase of our lives. every time we got around him it turned into a battle. a battle of wits...of will...of truth...of race...of existance. it was all we could do just to keep our self esteem and self-respect. my soul still shudders as the thoughts of the mental torment runs through my mind again.
in any case
during our first encounter i ended up becoming hollow and nothing more than a walking shell of a person. it took two years for me to recover and as if like clock work the moment i had arrived mental stability again he crosses my path as if to test the depths of my inner-stregth. that time around i mantain myself but it was a fierce battle, and the victory came at a high price. friendships were shattered. hopes and dreams were stripped away, aspects for the future were all but wiped out.
starting to sound like a bad anime right...well unfortunately for me back in the day this was nothing more but par for the course.
there was so much drama and anguish entrapping me and my friends that it seem like it was never going to stop. until it did. it took every thing inside of me and more but i finally over came this man. this human who wanted nothing more but to see me, and all those i held dear, crash and burn at his hands.
well like i said that was all but four years ago. nearly a-whole-nother lifetime ago really.
moving on to yesterday where the unthinkable happen.
i was relaxing with my new friends in our cafe talking over some ice-cream when all at once he appear. as if once again to test and gauge me to see if i was a novice or if i truly gain my real identity and self awarness. he talked to my friends as if oblivous to my presence which is a classic trade mark of his. "ignore the main target until you are in position to take it out in one blow" (a trade mark phrase for a trade mark statagist.)
he finally approached me and as he spoke i felt something inside me snap. i had realized what it was that made me so intimadated by him. i was denying myself the right to have both sides of my personality show, because i was afriad i would become like him if i did. he wanted me to embrace a side of myself that i was too afraid to tame and accept. he wanted me to be like him... to be minipulative and blinded by abition to the point of denile. he wanted me to be consumed with the same bitterness that had gripped his heart. and by running from the darker side of me i was unknowingly giving in to yet another of his mind traps
and just like that in the breif moments that i saw him again, i realized key aspects of my life as if for the first time.
i have the right to be angry and not speak to some one if i choose not to. i can be mean and emotionless when i do speak to someone and that's ok. i can hurt feelings and break spirits. i have the right to fight back and kick ass. but i do not have to do it out of hatred, i can do it out of love and compassion for myself and all those who call me friend or brother.
in that moment of seeing him and remembering the things i had overcome both in myself and through life events... i had found clearity.
he walked away after a few quick comments about my new friends and he express an interest in being apart of the group. little does he know that this group plays by a whole new set of rules. a very extreme set.
he knows i am going to fight him
we both want it to happen
but what he fails to realize is how much i have become intuned with my trueself. see for me the stakes to this fight that we are about to have will be winner takes all, because this time i will not hesitate and i will hold nothing back.